just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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