He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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