Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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