is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
