Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
