Whatcha textin bout Willis?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
