its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
