Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
