I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
