Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
