The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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