Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
