sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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