You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
