I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
