Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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