shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize