I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
