i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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