i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
