when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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