booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
