Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Randomize
