maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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