You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
