I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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