i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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