At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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