we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
