Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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