You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
