you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
