i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
