I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm too high and old for this...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
