He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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