The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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