just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think I sprained my soul last night
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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