I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
