It's a beautiful day for a hangover
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
