I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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