This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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