She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
