I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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