How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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