Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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