she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
