even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
zippers are such a cool invention
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
