you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
