1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
