2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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