It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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