Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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