broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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