just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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