TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
