Little spoons don't ask big questions
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
