I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
