He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
