My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
