found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
