I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
