Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
